Missing Dadi ~

Do not much wonder on what the reason is but the last few days I have been - kind of - talking to self of you. More than a few times, have I told mumi that you would have said this or done that in a particular situation.  One day, out of nowhere, I wondered on how special you made me feel. As I revisit the moment I realize there was no before, no after and no reason; just the thought.

The other day mumi prepared a dish which you loved and I felt, no – wanted is the correct word, you to pull it towards your plate for a refill. Chatting with mumi on going out for a walk in what she was wearing then; I told her that while she agreed you would have, in her place, got excited and asked how it would appear!

Putting back the Sherlock Holmes Omnibus on the rack, the other day, I was reminded of how you were a tad displeased on my having got the book on my birthday; as opposed to a box of sweets.  I still savour both equally!

Around a month ago as I walked along the road I saw one of the houses, abutting the road, having a feast. Some people were ‘packing’ food, apparently for those back home. My eyes blinked and I saw you come back from feasts and hand-over sweets you had sneaked and wrapped in your handkerchief; the proud happiness that showed on your face then – I wish to someday possess for those near and dear.

Walking along the lake or for the paan in the evenings my pace slows down when I see an aunty your age. Why, I have no clear answer, and as I ponder over it with moist eyes I feel – it is - just that selfishness – the urge to have got more time with you. 

I saw a movie the other day on Doordarshan – Listen Amaya - and could not recall the last complete movie I had seen on the channel. Was it with you?  A day later saw songs from Aan and Amar, two 1950 classics we had seen together. Our repertoire also includes Sapnay and Pretty Woman! The number of times we played the clips from Lamhe, one of the few video cassettes we then had, amuses me today.

Last evening I had juice with the silver straw-spoon. The replacement I had got for self during my last trip to Udaipur.  When a shop-keeper finally said yes to my query for this item I was so glad. This was the last piece he had and he wondered how I had come looking precisely for it. I told him you had got it from Nathdwara years ago and that I was now keen to get another since the earlier one is missing. Today I feel happy to use it but back then as I had paid money and he told me that you too would like it I was in tears; tears I did not want to hide.

Your memories do not hurt and pinch; they are more like an incense stick fragrance – around for a while, make me feel glad and go away without my noticing them go.

Writing this made me realize how I love you today. Not more not less. Just as I used to then. 

Earlier piece on dadi.